Idyllic Resort of Pipe Dreams
Personal journal on daydreams and harsh reality
I wrote this piece around a month ago, nearing the tipping point of boredom during a summer break. I’ve gotten over this feeling quite a bit, though I think it will always be a part of me in some way…
Feeling stuck is somewhat of a growing social phenomenon — an occurrence not limited to age, gender, or other categories we’ve puzzled ourselves into. Since the beginning of our each individual existence, we’ve all been shaped by those raising us — in a specific or non-specific way — to grow up, leave the metaphorical and literal nest, and eventually “achieve our dreams”. Now, looking back, I realized I’m the oldest I’ve ever been, and suddenly reality has kicked in. Now what? Now, I’m still shaping (and being shaped) into a person who would eventually become somebody “successful” — however this term is defined —and I have no clue where I’m headed. I mean, I know I’m heading to finish my degree in three years, but I have no absolute picture in my head to what comes after that, or who I will become eventually. Spending time in the real world has given me the realization that I am reaching the final years of teenage euphoria, and adulthood will appear knocking on my door in the blink of an eye. And I’m panicking. This complex matter of feelings has accumulated and become the root of the nightly identity crisis I have experienced these past few months. In a lot of these cases, I put myself to sleep by establishing a mental dilemma that compares my current reality versus other realities I would much rather be a part of. Which led me to wake up first thing in the morning with greetings of disappointment and anxiety. Before I know it, — and as much as I hate to say it — I have become a captive of the mediocrity of my own reality.
But then again, if I’m the oldest I’ve ever been, I also am the youngest I will ever be… ever. This new perspective has made me done two highly distinguishable things: 1) I saw my future as a window of endless possibilities, which made me feel that I still have time to do what it takes to achieve my best life, but also 2) thinking of myself as young has made my daydreaming habit persevere with strength. Daydreaming has been my personal forte ever since I can remember. My imagination can run as wild as it can, and I often use it as an asset to days where I feel unsettled, distorted, or far-flung. Think The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Though it’s still a part of my psyche, therefore a part of me, my imagination has also taken a separate form of an imaginary friend to me. I have constructed a mental reality, with my ideal self, living my ideal life, achieving my highest possible dream. In other words, an idyllic resort of pipe dreams. In one word, a fantasy.
So, as reality kicks harder, I escape farther. Which is, you can say, poisonous. The more distance I gain from reality, the harder for me it is to tell what is real and what is not. This is true and has actually happened. No, I’m not saying that I literally can’t differentiate between imagination and reality. But, I’m saying that many times I have endured self-reflections to keep me grounded and made reality checks to tell myself that the life I construct in my daydreams is not real. And doing so sucks, every single time. It sucks that I feel physically stuck, showered with boredom, mundanity, and having a run-of-the-mill lifestyle. It sucks that I am also mentally stuck, imprisoned in a utopian creation in the form of an escape pod, that exists only for my own pleasure, and eventually, my own loss.
My daydreams have always been a reliable tool for me, it strengthens my imagination and creativity. But, it can also be my weakness. Daydreaming can shift away my focus and valuable time from the real world, where I actually have to spend time on the most. Wasting too much time longing for a dream can be soul-crushing, if I am not actually doing anything in reality to go for that dream. I will always think of daydreaming as my superpower, i.e. the ability to teleport into an infinite number of alternate universes without ever leaving the same place. But, in certain times, what I need to do is to snap out of it.
